I feel a little weird giving advice about this being someone who is a notorious people-pleaser and I was also quite a relaxed new mom with a lot of the stuff I’ve written about below – sometimes I think maybe a little too relaxed.
Welcoming a newborn into your life is one of the most beautiful, tender, and life-altering experiences you’ll ever have. People tell you this all the time but honestly, life changes – big time!
I also want to reassure the people pleasers who are reading this. Although you battle to put in boundaries to protect yourself now, being a mother makes putting boundaries in for your little one is effortless. You care a lot less about other people’s expectations when it comes to protecting your children.
In the first few weeks your world quietly reshapes itself. From your energy to your priorities and even your capacity. I say “quietly” because although your world has undergone this massive shift, those around you haven’t really had a massive shift at all – their world is the same as it was before you heard that first cry. Your loved ones still expect the same version of you from before the baby and not who you are now.
Don’t get me wrong, family and loved ones are filled with excitement and good intentions. They want to visit, help, hold the baby, offer advice. But in this fragile season, what you need most is not more input, it’s protection – especially in the age of social media and over-information. Protection of your space, your energy, your recovery, and your bonding time.
Learning to set boundaries (yuck I hate this word) during this time isn’t selfish. It’s one of the most loving things you can do - for your baby, your partner, and yourself.
Why boundaries matter in the newborn phase
In those early weeks, you are healing physically, adjusting emotionally, and learning your baby in the most intimate way. Sleep is fragmented, hormones are shifting, and even simple tasks can feel overwhelming.
Without boundaries, it’s easy to become overstimulated, overextended, and quietly resentful - even towards people you love deeply.
Boundaries create a sense of safety. They allow you to settle into your new role without pressure, and they give your baby a calm, predictable environment to land in.
Redefining what “support” looks like
One of the biggest mindset shifts is understanding that support doesn’t always look like visits or holding the baby.
Sometimes support looks like:
A meal dropped at the door
A message instead of a call
Someone folding laundry instead of asking to cuddle the baby
Space, without guilt attached (even though you are bound to feel it anyway)
You are allowed to redefine what support means for you in this season.
Common boundaries you may need
Every family is different, but here are a few areas where boundaries often become necessary:
Visits
You get to decide when you’re ready for visitors, how long they stay, and how often they come. For our first baby, we didn’t want any visitors in the hospital but with our second we wanted our parents to come and see us and bring our toddler because I missed him so much not having been away from him much before.
Health and hygiene
It’s okay to ask people to wash hands, postpone visits if they’re unwell, or avoid kissing the baby. Putting a pump bottle of hand sanitizer by the door and not giving people an option as thy arrive may be easier than asking them to go wash their hands “Hi [name], so good to see you. I’ve left a bottle of sanitizer by the door for you to sanitize on the way in”. You’re also entitled to pop a visitor a quick message before their visit checking in and making sure that they’re feeling their best.
Advice and opinions
Everyone will have something to say (about feeding, sleeping, routines). You don’t have to take it on. A simple “we’re doing what works for us” is enough of a response. We used to say “oh that’s so [interesting/helpful/different], we’ll give it a go if what’s working for us now stops working” (a polite way of saying back off)
Holding the baby
You are allowed to say no. You don’t need to pass your baby around to keep others happy. Other options of what you can say are:
“I’m just going to keep baby with me for now.”
“We’re having a bit of a clingy day, so I’m going to hold onto them.”
“I’m soaking up all the cuddles while I can.”
If you want to soften it while still holding your boundary, you can add:
“I know you’re excited, and it means a lot — [line from above options]”
The key is that your tone can be warm, but your message stays clear. You don’t need to apologise for protecting your baby or your own comfort.
Social media sharing
This is an important one and warrants discussion with your partner while you’re pregnant as well. In today’s world, one of the most overlooked boundaries is around sharing your baby online. While loved ones may feel excited to post photos or announcements, you are absolutely allowed to decide what is (and isn’t) shared. This might look like asking family not to post your baby at all, requesting that they check with you first, or setting limits on what details are shared. You could say, “We’re keeping baby off social media for now,” or “Please can you send photos to us instead of posting them.” This isn’t about taking away anyone’s joy - it’s about protecting your child’s privacy and giving yourself the space to choose how your story is told, in your own time.
Your time and availability
You do not need to reply to messages immediately or keep people updated constantly. Your priority is your baby and your own wellbeing. Switch off those blue ticks. We found it helpful to have a WhatsApp group where only admins (my hubby and I) were allowed to post. We would use this group to keep everyone updated at the same time – one message for us to send instead of 20. The WhatsApp chat also acts as a nice memory bank for looking back at birth updates, first pictures etc.
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How to communicate boundaries (without guilt)
Some find it easier to communicate boundaries before visits to avoid that awkwardness, hoping that loved ones deal with their feelings before they arrive. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially with close family. But boundaries don’t require harshness, they require clarity and calm confidence.
You might say:
“We’re taking a few quiet weeks to settle in, but we’ll let you know when we’re ready for visits.”
“We’re keeping visits short for now while I recover.”
“We’re limiting contact while baby’s immune system is still developing.”
“We’re figuring things out in our own way, but we appreciate your support.”
You don’t need to over-explain. The more you justify, the more room you create for negotiation. A simple, kind, firm statement is enough.
If sending one message on your WhatsApp group makes you feel more comfortable, here are some options below.
Option 1:
A little note before I officially get 'mom brain' 😉
We plan on a short, private hospital stay so we'll see everyone as soon as we're home and settled.
If we cancel or reschedule, we're probably having a tricky day. We want to enjoy your visit on a day that we're feeling good. We're just figuring this all out.
Please let us know if you aren't well so we can reschedule.
We've put some sanitizer by the door so you can sanitize on the way in. You can also wash your hands in the guest bathroom before holding baby. Your choice 😊
Keep your kisses for us, our pediatrician has strongly re-iterated no kissing of babies and toddlers (we've seen some very bad photos of what happens)
We love your perfume but apparently babies do not so skip it the morning of your visit!
Social media in today's world is quite dangerous for children. We're going to be quite strict about this so feel free to take loads of pics for memories but please don't post them (also his/her name for safety purposes) 😊
When baby cries, he/she needs mom, so let mom calm him when he/she gets upset - we've been waiting to do this for a long time.
Can't wait to introduce you all to baby, eek!!!
Option 2:
Thank you everyone for the love and congratulations on our new addition – we are in love!
We’re still settling in, but we’ll let you know when we’re ready for visits. There are lots of viruses going around, please let us know if you aren't well so we can reschedule. For those who are well, we've put some sanitizer by the door so you can sanitize on the way in (trying to keep baby healthy). Please no kisses for baby and avoid perfume as he/she has sensitive skin.
We haven’t made up our mind about whether we want baby mentioned or seen on social media yet so you’re welcome to take some lovely pics but please keep them private.
He’s quite mom-fuss so when he/she cried if you’re holding him/her, just pass him back to me so I can soothe him.
See you all soon xxx
If you’d like to manage boundaries in person (but need a tactful way of doing it), here are some ideas of what to say. This is especially helpful if you have many boundaries to manage and think managing them all on message will be tough – manage some on message and some in person.
If the baby starts crying and you want him to be handed back – “I am feeding on demand so he/she is probably hungry, let me give him a snack.” / “he/she just wants mom today and I’m so glad because I love the cuddles” (then reach out to take him/her)
Making sure their hands are clean “Let me just get the sanitizer then I’ll pass him/her over to you”
Making sure they don’t kiss the baby – this is the most awkward one to manage in the moment so maybe this is worth a quick message before but if not, you can tell a (fictional) story of a friend’s baby who is in hospital from an infection passed through a kiss from their grandmother and that’s why you’ve decided no kissing.
I am fully on board with “it’s your baby, you shouldn’t have to think so hard about managing other people and try be tactful” BUT the reality is that this creates a lot of anxiety for some new moms so these are some realistic solutions that may take the anxiety out of it (hopefully also saving you hours thinking of what to say).
Managing other people’s reactions
This is often the hardest part. Some people may feel hurt, rejected, or confused (especially if they had different expectations).
It’s important to remember: Their reaction does not mean your boundary is wrong.
You can hold empathy and your boundary at the same time: “I know you’re excited, and it means a lot to us. We just need a bit more time.”
Most people will adjust. And those who don’t? This is where you gently learn that protecting your peace matters more than managing everyone else’s feelings. This may feel like it would be tricky now but when it’s happening, it becomes quite clear who cares about you and baby’s wellbeing over their own feelings.
You and your partner: a united front
If you have a partner, this is a powerful opportunity to align. Decide together what feels right for your family and support each other in communicating those boundaries.
It’s much easier to hold a boundary when you’re not holding it alone.
A gentle reminder
You are not responsible for creating a comfortable experience for everyone else right now.
You are responsible for:
Healing
Bonding with your baby
Finding your rhythm
Protecting your energy
This season is short, sacred, and deeply formative. You don’t get it back.
So if something feels like “too much,” trust that feeling. Let it guide you. Setting boundaries now doesn’t push people away. It teaches them how to show up for you in a way that truly supports you.
And that is the kind of support every new mom deserves.
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